Enjoy this extract from Clive Agran's hugely entertaining Golf Book
Posted by Lydia Unwin on
Two Ruddy Ducks and a Partridge on a Par Three
An extract chosen by the author, golf writer Clive Agran, from his book of comical letters sent from Mortimer Merriweather to hapless recipients and organisations. If you know a golfer who has all the gear, this neat little book is the perfect gift for them...
Dear Augusta National,
You will recall the little Welshman who won the US Masters quite a while back, Ian Woosnam. Well, by extraordinary coincidence he designed one of the two courses at my club, Dale Hill Hotel and Golf Club in East Sussex, England. So, in a sense, our two clubs are already inextricably bound together. My hope is to further strengthen the bonds between us so that despite the fact that we are separated by a great ocean and little bits of land at either end, we may forge a partnership that will survive for centuries and, incidentally, strengthen my bid for captaincy.
If I may explain that last bit. For some time now, I have felt that I should be elected captain at Dale Hill but, because of what I’m sure is nothing other than racial prejudice – something I’m sure Augusta National would never tolerate – I have been passed over. So I need to pull off an amazing coup, or something similar, to convince members that I should be captain.
May I suggest the following reciprocal arrangements as the first tentative couple of steps towards establishing closer ties between our clubs.
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The winner of the US Masters be exempted from qualifying in the usual way for our biggest tournament, the Greenshield Trophy (a scratch competition ordinarily restricted to those who have won either a medal or Stableford competition in the previous 12 months). To even things up, I think the Greenshield Trophy winner should then automatically qualify for the following year’s US Masters.
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Both sets of members be offered the courtesy of the other’s course so that Augusta National members visiting this country can play Dale Hill for nothing, while our members, who might find themselves in Augusta, can play your course for free. I feel compelled to warn you, however, that you’ll find our greens are pretty quick, especially in summer.
